So if you tuned into my IG stories today you saw a rant about Cuban men. I normally don’t generalize as I have been dating Italians since the dawn of time. While the Guinees have a special breed of crazy nothing beats the Castros.

I wanted to account of all my Cuban experiences. It’s an epidemic yall. Ayudame!! I always loved me a Manolo since I look like Gina, but even Tony Montana wanted to fuck his own sister in Scarface. That right there should’ve been red flag, but I love a good medionoche.

1. The Porsche Cuban – Lives in the Icon but has no furniture. Wears the same dirty nike runs since 2015. Has a child he doesn’t support. Met me at an AA meeting and since we both had 5 years I thought we were on the same page. Waited three months to sleep with me because he wanted to “just be friends.” Used to make me wear tacky outfits and cat ears. Fucks me and doesn’t text me for four days and when he does it’s broken English.

2. The drug dealer Cuban – brought iced coffee to my apartment and whips his dick out. I love a cold brew but damn. Don’t you know you have to the dip the bread in the cafe to make it wet? Comes to my job to ask me to dinner and hooks up with a girl at the bar during my shift. Is so high during sex he can’t make eye contact. Now is a doorman at my old job in Wynwood. I love a good doorman (shout out to Scorpio-No). Ate my pussy at the rooftop of 1 Hotel once though. That was lit. Gracias papi.

3. The busser Cuban – also has a child. Hooked up with me once three years ago and still texts me. STILL. Told me he had a roommate and it was actually his girlfriend – a stripper from 11. Drives her Benz around and pretends it’s his. Tells people he was a manager at Lavo in NYC but we still ain’t sure on that one. Becomes a host at Mokai and Mister Jones and everytime I try to hit it and quit it he never comes thru. Has no car but has Balenciaga sneakers. I’ll admit you eat good ass. I hope we can still make that happen again.

4. The fashion Cuban – never gives a discount. Works in retail but always has the freshest Balenciagas. Also had a child. Doesn’t have a car. Also low key might have sold drugs. Patterns. Was supposed to meet me at the Modrian and didn’t show up but documents the rest of his day on the gram. Checks all my stories everyday. Bails on me for lunch. Always goes down in my DM and will not pay my rent. I’ve tried.

But the one that takes the flan has got to be #5 the Golden Shower. Disguises himself as a corporate guy working hard to make a name for himself. Bitches about his abusive ex but spends nights crying and sending her emails begging for her back while dating me. Brings me to work functions and posts me on every social media outlet, he grows a beard when I tell him to. Shows up to all my workout classes and he watches my dog when I have modeling jobs.

Makes me drop all my hoes and lets my rich clients pay for his Prime112 and drinks off their 1942. Drives a wack SUV while I drive a Benz. Needs a tummy tuck and shaves his head so no one can see his reseeding hairline. Gets put on to Barry’s Bootcamp, Jordan ones, beard oil and Nutropia. Let me piss on him several times and buys me pussy oil. Takes me to Costco and asks me wax his back. All of a sudden wants to slow it down so my response was “copy.” Let’s his ex take videos of him and sends them to me from his roommate‘s IG. Lies about being attacked by her. Claims his phone and house were trashed all the while having his drunk ex (who he fucked the night before) send my best friend 41 videos in her DMs. FORTY ONE. Talks shit about me and tells his ex all my personal business. Has her send me a selfie from his phone at 1am. Sends me novels from his work phone while I don’t respond. Can’t spell my name. Is a pussy and has self esteem issues. Claims he‘s not a millionaire like Splenda Daddy but that he‘s real. He about as real as these titties.

He caught feelings and almost caught these hands. I sucked the cum out his dick and he screamed in octaves I didn’t know men could hit. Sounding like Mariah Carey. It’s all good though. I’ve learned my lesson. Can’t wait to see him in these streets. But most of all I can’t wait to golden shower on other niggas on that hybrid mattress he bought me.