I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching the last couple of days. The end of a relationship, anniversary of a divorce, anniversary of my sobriety, the death of a friend and a full fucking moon will do that to you. This year has been a blast and it’s only April. Trips, shopping and thriving financially have made me feel secure. Lots of attention via social media and lots of business opportunities. One could say I’m winning hard.

Success is funny. Not in a literal sense, but because you never know when you’ll have to stop aiming toward it. Some people measure success on material things. Others have education and degrees while others aspire to creating family. Everyone has their own idea of the word and their own path towards that achievement. I would say the most popular avenue is wealth. Cash money. Our culture says it, our lifestyle says it and we learn early on in life that money makes the world go round. Some are born into it. Others marry the right person and some are just lucky. Unlike my previous post about bashing people and elaborating on vengeful sexual excursions, this is different. This is more about my views on what I want for my future and how once again, money ain’t everything.

Having goals and ideals for your relationship is totally normal. When those standards are not met I don’t think it’s wrong to walk away. At some point you have to look at your part. You have to face yourself in the mirror and ask did you really do your best? Do you owe an apology? Is there something you could have done better?  If you’ve answered no to all these questions then you’re gucci, but chances are you’re human and you’re fallible. We always make me mistakes, but we have to learn from them.

I could say I’ve picked some shitty men in my life. Drug addicts, play boys, insta-celebs and the latter. I thought their wealth and popularity would satisfy me. Of course why not? I’m a multi hyphenate entrepreneur and instagram celebrity. We should be made for each other. Once again I am here to report it ain’t about the cash and prizes. Living a very true life open to the world, I’ve gotten a lot of love and support. It’s a persona that I created. I could have chosen to be anything, but this avenue seemed right for my brand. I wanted to show everyone that I’m living my best life. That I give no fucks and I’m open for cashapps. A “what can you do for me” attitude doesn’t work when you’re up against someone with morals and humility. Someone who wants to better their own future and secure their own success while establishing their place in the world. Who knows that they aren’t capable of giving all of them – but should they even have to? There should be compromise and healthy boundaries – two words I don’t have much success with. I have met a lot of men in my life and while this person is younger than me, I have learned from them how to grow up. Success for me is less about Mercedes and YSL bags. It has nothing to do with how many stamps are in your passport. How many followers you have or how much is in the bank. For me it’s how can I turn trauma into triumph? How can I help myself without harming others?

I’ve always been a lot. I’m an only child, technically. I’m an alcoholic so if you can relate you already know what that means. I’ve always talked too much even in school. I guess I just need to be heard. I’m bi-racial so there’s a struggle there and I’m divorced. I’ve traveled the world and I’ve been through some shit. I’ve lived a very colorful life but I’m just like you. I want to feel safe, whole and protected. I want to feel accepted professionally and socially. I’m healthy – which is a given via work and I guess I’m beautiful by societies standards. But I can be impossible and demanding. I can say hurtful things. I can interrupt you mid-sentence and I can use people for my own personal gain. I can forget that a good heart overrides hard abs. That no matter how many shows I walk in or how many clients I train none of that matters if I don’t have the people around me I care about.

Back to the questions I asked earlier, I can’t say no to all of those questions. I have a part. I could have done better. I owe an apology and maybe my best wasn’t good enough. Do to past trauma, I realize I have unrealistic expectations of people. I’m needy and selfish. In all relationships not just with someone I’m dating. I can lack patience and empathy for others. I see “the bag” and that’s all I care about because I have abandonment issues and somewhere deeply I truly believe I’m going to die alone. So I grind and hustle and flex on the gram so people know I’m doing well which I am, but I wear many masks. The mask of the model and fitness sex symbol – who still eats pizza. The mask of the gold digger – who actually never fucks for money – cus she loves herself too much. The bitter ex who doesn’t even care – but just enjoys the drama of her past life and wants to talk shit.

So this is me taking those masks off. I’m just a regular schmegular girl trying to be good on her own. No make-up, no designer shoes, no expectations. No cunty captions. I’ve realized not everything needs to be said on the internet. I’m thirty years old and I’m not using any of my clout to empower others. Sure, live your life, do you boo, but I’ve been out here and I gotta tell you it ain’t the move. Being a better daughter, friend, co-worker and teacher is my measure of success. Being secure in my own skin and knowing what I bring to the table – not thinking I am the table. Listening more, writing more, praying more and being a positive channel.

This is the most vulnerable post I’ve ever written. I actually cried reading the drafts to @babymommafit. I’m still out there – just a little more in here. I’m back on my bullshit but that means back to what matters. Friends, family, AA, workouts and healthy living. I’m still a hoe but it means HERSELF OVER EVERYTHING. And as I put myself first, I still need to be aware of the people around me. Their schedules, their struggles, their fears and their journey. We are all important.

So in the end there’s two laws in love. Getting in the way of someone else’s growth and getting in the way of your own. In this case I think I did a bit of both. I lost myself in trying to please followers and fans and in turn my own insecurities disrupted the normal balance of a relationship. I’m still me. I’m still funny and crazy – but I can still uplift the people around me. Show when I’m hurting and let people know they can get through anything. Claim my faults, make amends and move forward. It starts and ends with the inside. All that extra shit is great but none of it is taken with you when you die. So I want to say publicly that I need to change. That I need to grow up but remember that I am small. I am one piece to the puzzle. It’s not about my needs and wants always. It’s about elevating myself and the people around me. You have to change yourself before you can change others. You have to do what is right for you and keep seeking your truth. The mask is off. Next chapter. I’m booked and busy in a whole new library. I have a lot of flaws but I’m still a gem. I’m with the shits and I hope you are too.