A funny ongoing rant on my IG has been “EX-FILES.” What started as boredom from a traffic filled six hour drive from Tampa (I know we shouldn’t text and drive – sorry mom) has kinda gone viral in my DMs. Screen shots, tweets, and videos are all being sent by my followers with current sob stories about their ex. Me haunting SCORPIO-NO once again – poor bastard – has become public knowledge.

Rogue account comments and cryptic story posts – we have all been there. And we really aren’t alone as memes are popping up by the dozens daily and circulating in group chats. The infamous “EX.” Ya’ll have each other blocked but still text. They’re a different name in your phone. The only username in the recent search in your fake account. They probably have a whole section of your brain dedicated to them. Ya’ll may be broken up, but actions speak otherwise.

I have had my fair of EX FILES – shit I blog about them. For sure they have taken up space in my head without paying rent. And yes I have thought about them from time to time. First off to clarify – this shit is for content. So if you’re old or Italian or one of my daddies and you’re reading this pause and don’t get it fucked up. This ain’t about you. It’s about the people reading this who are still so consumed in their ex-lovers. Who keep circling back hoping to make it work. Who are in a fuckship that’s expired and outdated.

While I am single on paper, I have people I spend my time with – all new and all unspoken of in this blog – yet. I have been able to put my ex’s to rest and make space for new energy to flow in. It has taken some time. I had some heavy hitters last year. SCORPIO-NO was major – that was an end of my nightlife career and the last of my addict lovers. I just terrorize him on the internet out of pure entertainment value. SPLENDA-DADDY was my first sorta daddy experience. My shoulda coulda woulda. Taught me a lot and definitely learned my worth with that one. He got a major discount. My arrangement fees are much higher now. And CUBAN #5 taught be to be a savage and to never date down and for that I am eternally grateful. Since him my life has been flying out, getting paid and obviously getting laid.

But how did I get to this this place? How did I learn to live and let go? What have my EX-FILES taught me? I have been blessed and honored to be around some amazing women. Women who love me when I can’t love myself. And women who would legit fucking murder for me. We are so different but we have that one piece in common, that ex. That blackhead, that ingrown hair, that ass pimple that just won’t go away no matter how much tea tree and zit zapper you put on that bitch. But like my facial lady Martina from MAJU SKINCARE says “every time you fuck with it you make it worse.” And so we treat our ex’s like acne. We rip it open, let them bleed and just when it’s almost healed we pick at it again. Of course there will be scars and it hurts like hell, but we think maybe we can make it different.

What I do know – and I don’t know much – is this. Nothing goes away until it teaches you what you need to know. Old behavior isn’t old behavior if you’re still engaging in it, that is called current behavior. People pick up on energies – especially now since having a third eye and staying woke is trendy. What you feed grows. Maybe your ex is still around because you want them around. Maybe you find comfort in the chaos. Maybe you’re afraid to be alone so the drama of what was is better than the uncertainty of what could be. Maybe ya’ll just have bomb ass sex. I have been there multiple times and I have questioned everything and been dazed and confused. As I get older and stronger and I hope wiser, I learn that you gain self-esteem by doing esteem-able acts. That I’m too old to be fucking my ex while his girlfriend is out of town or thinking I can change a man over 50. That the fake world of instagram is only blocking me from meeting my soulmate. That moments stalking my ex could be used in my business or my writing – unless they relate like my situation. And still is it that healthy to be all up in someone else’s relationship? Who cares? Me. You. Us. That’s the problem in itself. We out here checking for people who ain’t checking for us. I don’t have time to teach anyone how to love me. It took me thirty years to love myself I ain’t got that kinda patience. I had to really move on and let go of toxic people and change my vibe. I hit up more AA meetings, got back into yoga, started this blog. I had to reinvest in myself before I could be an asset to anyone else.

Since I have been single I have met men who have helped my career and my pocket. I have had fun and traveled with no strings attached. I have gotten new business opportunities. I have learned to vocalize what I want in a partner and have been able to spend the time I want with who I want. My ex’s don’t resurface because my energy doesn’t allow it. I may not be responsible for who I attract but I am responsible for who I entertain. The men in my life are much different than my ex’s because I am different. I have seen my patterns and taken the steps to change direction. I have learned lessons. None of us are perfect. I admit talking shit about my ex online can be thrilling and yes I take comfort in know that people I used to fuck are less than thriving. At the same time, I can’t be #openforlove if I’m still fucking will bullshit.